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October 29, 2005

Risible News, Part I

All my life I’ve collected quirky items from the print media. Here are a few headlines, usually undated, reproduced here with or without their (sometimes) abbreviated stories:

L.I. Man Arrested In Foot-Ticklings
On June 18 [1984] Mr. Hunter broke into [a] house at 4:30 A.M. and tickled the feet of [a girl]. This time he fled with three shoes, Mr. Weisinger said.

Swallow Looking for Worm is Bowled Over by a Ball

Blind Man Convicted of Drunken Driving [1985]

Proposal Scares Barber
1/14/1970, Klang, Malaysia: When a woman asked the local barber, 22, to marry her, he ran to the police station for protection. His admirer is 50 years old and has 13 children.

Two Victims Still Need Surgery After Getting Wrong Operations

Surgeon Replaces Thumb with Toe

Thrush Halts Freight Car

Buffalo Derails 60-Ton Train

Locomotives Questioned

Coca-Cola to Go on Sale in China [12/78]
The Chinese ideographs on a bottle of Coca-Cola sound like Kokuh-Koluh and can be literally translated as “Can Mouth, Can Happy..� The characters also represent “Tastes Good, Tastes Happy.�

Woman Hurled by Gust of Wind
3/23/80
Los Angeles. A gust of wind blew an elderly woman and the concrete bus bench she was sitting on across a busy street today.

Dogs available for adoption
Australian Terriers—AKC-Reg. 11 wks old. All puppy shots and healthy.
Chesapeake Bay Retriever—Puppies 8 wks old, AKC Reg, shots.
Ford Falcon’66—like new, new rebuilt motor, auto, 2 new snows, excel gas mileage, 2dr sedan
Whippet AKC Reg’d Puppies 8 wks old, excellent bloodlns.

The Wages & Ages of Sin
NY Post 4/21/77
Kuala Lumpur: A 40-year-old divorcee was sentenced yesterday to serve 2 months in jail for living out of wedlock with a 117-year-old man.

“Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country choose a second-rate president.� – Richard M. Nixon

The United States will not file a criminal complaint against Groucho Marx for the statement attributed to him that “the only oho[e this country has is Nixon’s assassination.� The comment was published in The Berkeley Barb, an underground newspaper in California. James L. Browning Jr., a U.S. Attorney, said in San Francisco that the remark was not a real threat, “although it comes close.�

Extensive Homosexuality Is Found Among Seagulls off Coast of California
Irvine, Calif., Nov. 22 (UPI)—A university research team says that about 14% of the female seagulls on an island off the California coast are lesbians, calling it the first solid evidence of widespread homosexuality among wild birds. One of the female gulls assumes a male role and the birds form stable unions like those of heterosexual seagulls: They go through the motions of mating, lay sterile eggs and defend their nests like other couples, the report said. No evidence of homosexuality among male birds was found.

Pregnant Lobsters Safe in Sound

Auto Recalls in Spanish

Waiter Burned by Duck Sues
Albuquerque, NM, May 31 (UPI)—A waiter who said that he had been burned by a flaming duck that exploded as he was preparing to serve it has filed a $36,000 suit against the restaurant’s owners. The waiter, Shun Hang Fung, named as defendants Stephanie and Migo Liu, owners of a local restaurant. He said that when he was holding a dish with the flaming duck, Mrs. Liu poured alcohol on it, and it exploded.

Salmon In Cans Is Suspect
[New York Times, 3/6/82]

Smart Dog is Employed As Electrician
[The Evening Bulletin, 6/6/74]

Airlines Fare Badly in Arab Word Game
Cairo—... Making up words to fit [airlines’] initials is … a national pastime…[in Egypt]:
TWA: “Try Walking Across.�
Air India: “Allah Informed.�
SAS: “Sex And Satisfaction.�
BOAC: “Better On A Camel�
Alitalia: “Always Late In Take-off, Always Late In Arrival.�
Lufthansa: “Let Us Fondle The Hostesses, And No Stewards Allowed.�

8 Men Needed to Carry Arnold, 2, To Family Grave
Firebaugh, Calif.—(AP)—Arnold the Pig, an 800-pond house pet who lived high on the hog at the James Boccabella home here, is dead. It took eight men to carry him from the bedroom to a grave in the family’s backyard. Arnold … had his own bedroom in the home, ate four dozen doughnuts for breakfast and barked like a dog at passing strangers. Arnold, who would have been 3 on Sept. 6, . . . was scheduled for a guest spot on Johnny Carson’s Tight Show later this year, the family said.

This Little Piggy Went Home
Belgrade, Yugoslavia (AP)—A homesick pig walked more than 40 miles to the farm of his former owner, the newspaper, Politika Expres, reported. The pig had been sold the day before.

A Dog Returns Home After 4 Years Away
Youngstown, Ohio, (AP)—After missing more than 4 years, Satan, a combination of Irish setter and German shepherd, has come home to Mr. And Mrs. Kenneth Donatelli...

Advice on Paper Waste Comes in Triplicate

Lightning Strikes Twice And Fixes Clock It Broke
Duncan, S.C. (AP)—Lightning ran into an electric range at the Early Watson home and knocked out the range clock. Mr. Watson tried o fix it, but was unsuccessful. A month later, lightning ran into the range a second time and the clock started working again, he said.

First Haircut in 90 Years
Lockhart, S.C. (AP)—Mrs. Sally Gibson got a haircut recently for the first time in her 90 years. “She was real pleased with it,� said Kathryn Tracy, who did the honors.

Man Says Contempt Was Not for ‘Court’
Stockton-On-Tees, England (Reuters)—Bill Bangs went to court charged with contempt for flashing a rude finger sign at a passing limousine. The occupants turned out to be 2 judges, who promptly had him arrested and charged. In court, the judge told him: “This is a very serious matter. I have the authority to send you to prison, you know.� Mr. Bangs replied: “I humbly apologize. I did not intend to show disrespect to your lordships. I thought it was the mayor’s car.� The judge accepted his explanation and released him.

Nude Finds His Way Into Police Station
Portland, Ore.(AP)—The desk officer at the Portland police station got an anonymous telephone call. “You won’t believe this,� said the voice, “but a man wearing a paper sack over his head and nothing else just became one of your customers.�… The police arrested him on a charge of disorderly conduct and gave him a pair of overalls.

Golf Balls a Potential Hazard
Jacksonville, Fla. (UPI)—[4/17/77]—Golf balls can be dangerous, said a warning issued by the Florida Medical Association. Golf ball centers are made by freezing liquid material into a solid and wrapping windings around it, the association said. When the center thaws, great pressure is exerted against the covering. When the liquid center of a golf ball is cut, it can explode, sometimes causing serious injury...

Thames Dive Does Not Pay
London, Dec. 20, (Reuters)—A 26-year-old laborer who dived naked into the freezing Thames off Westminster Bridge to win a $20 bet lost half his winnings when he was fined $10 for insulting behavior.

Fender Bender
Russell, Kan.—(AP)—There was a genuine fender-bender in this central Kansas community when a car driven by Jim Fender collided with one driven by Harold Bender. Fender’s fender was crumpled. Bender’s car escaped undamaged.

Goats Will Join In Fire Fighting
San Juan Capistrano—(AP)—About 1,500 goats are to become Southern California firefighters. The goats will chew their way along firebreaks in Cleveland National Forest in an experimental program to cut down flame-prone wild grass and weeds.

The King of Cabbages
Sydney, Australia (Reuters)—Antonio Santos, a 72-year-old Portuguese immigrant, ahs an eight-foot high cabbage in his backyard and says it is still growing. He said he brought cabbage seeds with him from Portugal 18 years ago, but planted them only a year ago because up to that time he had no garden.

Giant Cucumber
Akron, Ohio—(AP)—It grew and grew, and Antonio Battista ended up with a cucumber that weighed 13 pounds. It was 25 inches long and measured 29 inches around the middle.

Coloradoan Has Giant Squash
Pueblo, Colo. (AP)—Steve Graves is exhibiting his giant squash everywhere. When he picked the giant squash from his backyard garden, it measured 20 ½ inches long, weighed 6 pounds and was 15 inches in circumference.

Robber Slips Up
Memphis, Tenn.—(AP)—A would-be robber fled without any money when a teller at a branch of the First National Bank of Memphis told him his holdup note was written on the wrong type of withdrawal slip. Police said the man apparently became frightened, stuck the note in his mouth and ran out.

Electric Bill Was A Real Shocker
The Star, 9/19/77
Frank Mackie received a real shocker in the mail at his apartment in Plainfield, Conn. For 13 days his electric bill came to $1,736.63, instead of the nominal $4. When contacted, the Conn. Light & Power Co. told him to forget it.

Woman Finds Bill Is ‘Watered Down’
Phoenix, Ariz. (AP)—Esther Robinson was understandably upset when she received a water bill for $1,313. Mrs. Robinson lives alone with 2 dogs in a mobile home, ahs no lawn to care for and does not own a washer or any other appliance that uses large amounts of water. Just the month before, she had received a bill for $167. It had seemed exorbitant, but not quite so much as the latest bill, which contained a notice that her faucets would be turned off if she didn’t pay up. The city water department checked into the matter… a meter installed on the lot … had been running in reverse… Mrs. Robson.. actually owed only $8.70 for two months’ service.

Parking Meter in Bathroom
Sacramento, Calif. (AP)—Archie Keller installed a perking meter in the bathroom at his home because he thought some members of the family were spending too long there, especially in the morning.

Sailboat Cost Less Per Pound Than Beef

A Net Profit
Northampton, England (Reuters)—Bearded workers at a meat packing plant here have been issued hair nets to be worn on their chins as a hygiene measure.

Crocodile Gets Loose on Jet

Fire Laid to Crystal Bird

Squid Has 15-Inch Eye

Now You Know
Oysters can see and hear for they react to light and sound.—(UPI)

Tanzania Bans All Hunting And Tapping of Animals [sic]

Posted by Jane on October 29, 2005 11:57 AM

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