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July 4, 2008

Freedom to Fear, or Not

“Every man bears the whole stamp of the human condition.” -- Montaigne
~
Sitting on a bench at the marina was a very old lady I’ve been seeing on morning walks. In her compact solitude she seemed like a Zen monk. She held out her arms, when I paused to say hi, and asked me to keep the dogs back. She explained: A dog bit her on a finger in childhood, and her fear of canines is “deep-rooted and innate.” Something in her plight stopped me, and I sat the dogs a little distance away. She went on, “No one understands that I do realize it’s not their dogs, that it’s entirely me. Since that bite, before my teens”--she held up the ancient scar—“I never had a pet, never cared for animals. My fear of them is entrenched and I can do nothing about it.”
~
Sarah is 91. She’s unafraid of death, traveling by herself, or being alone. Her husband died years ago. She has no children. She cultivates no friendships, does not take meals with the other seniors in her elegant “independent and assisted-living” apartment house. I asked how she spent her time. “I get up at 6, go for a long walk, and let the day unfold as it will.” To which I said, “It sounds like a nice, free life.”
~
She’d lived a full life, of work and travel all over the world. But not to Australia, she amended, which, being a “new country,” never appealed to her. She preferred old countries like Greece. Was there any place she regretted not getting to? “Africa,” she said, surprisingly, “because of the animals.” I teased: “You’re not afraid of lions and elephants, but you’re afraid of dogs?” She smiled: “I wanted to see the animals. Just see them.”
~
Meanwhile, Caleb and Tracy were sitting very still, watching the old lady gently. “They seem docile enough,” she said, and apologized again for her aversion. She thanked me for not cajoling her to pet them, as well-meaning people always did, to help her overcome her dread through their harmless pets. I said, “You’re free, aren’t you, to stay afraid. We all protect our phobias. One of my biggest is driving. At 15, I chose never to drive. But there’s another Freedom--larger and deeper, which is freedom from fear itself, which overrides our peculiar little tendencies and preferences. I intuit that inner Freedom, but I’m not ready either to give up my fears for it. Not yet.”
~
Sarah looked at the waiting dogs. “Thank you,” she finally said, understanding. “Maybe, if I see you again sometime, I’ll let your dogs come closer. But it might take me the rest of my life to touch them.”

~

Posted by Jane on July 4, 2008 9:00 AM

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